It’s been a while since I’ve sat down and put thoughts to paper or in this case, blog. Almost a year in fact… Since then I’ve had so many changes, the biggest being my becoming a mom. That’s right I’m somebody’s parent. My son Wyatt was born on December 22nd. I’ve been entrusted with this beautiful gift, this wonderful little boy that I love to death. I feel blessed and honored…and scared to death.
A year ago I had no responsibilities to or for anyone but myself. And I liked it that way. Its been a huge transition from that to my current state. Heck I’ve never even particularly like kids. I love my nieces and nephews and my assorted godchildren. But I was never the type to go gooey over people’s kids or really wish for any of my own. Truth be told I fought like mad to keep it that way. But as I’ve learned change is the only constant we have in life. Stasis as we know it is rarely permanent. So the end of this state was merely the beginning of another.
I love my son, without thought or question. I can say – though its not necessarily a good thing – that he is the only person I’ve ever really and truly loved without reservations. I love that he is the mirror image of me in appearance and mannerisms so far. But he already has his own distinct personality, despite being so very young. I love that for him I am the center of his world and of course he is the center of mine. His little face lights up when he sees me, and I get that big, gummy, goofy smile. He’s just started to reach out to me the minute he sees me, wanting to be held, and it melts my heart every time. He trusts me completely to do right by him…and always make the right decisions and that is scary as all hell. Heck, sometimes its hard for me to make the right decisions for me and do right by myself, much more this tiny person that I HAVE to do it for, because he can’t do it for himself.
I’ve had no experience with this. Not this kind of trust or love. I’m learning as I go, and I feel a lot of the times as if I’m failing. Its a lot to take on all at once. My only hope is that I don’t screw up too badly and my son doesn’t suffer as a result of my inexperience and trial and error methods. We’ve been through a lot of firsts together in his short time here, mostly good, and I look forward to many more. I look forward to watching him grow and mature and become a good man. A strong one. I know that will be on me. My decisions, my actions, my choices will be what shapes my son and prepares him for the world he will inherit.
And so I put aside my uncertainty, and resolve, as with everything else in my life, to just forge ahead, go forward without fear, and do right by my son. It will be an incredibly journey…I’ll try to share as much of it as possible as we go.